Hollywood Is Confused About What Really Counts As Progress

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WARNING: You are about to read satire!)

So you wanna masturbate, preferably in the presence of a woman. We all do my friend. Who doesn’t?! But first you must determine if your particular situation is right for both you and your masturbatory muse.

Sounds complicated, right? It’s not! If you follow these simple guidelines you can achieve masturbatory success and avoid not only the shame of a public outing, but also not scar the woman in question for life and have to cover it all up by derailing her career.

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The following are scenarios designed to help you make good, informed decisions about when and where to masturbate. These scenarios are not absolutely definitive on the topic of masturbation, but are merely intended to be guidelines. 

If you have a specific question relating to your masturbation needs it is recommended you please seek professional help before beginning any masturbation.

Are you ready? Let’s Begin!

On Site Work Events

Scenario 1: You’re on set and it’s been a difficult day of shooting. An actor/assistant/postal worker/human being has shown up. You feel like masturbating in front of him/her. Should you?

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NO! UNACCEPTABLE! DO NOT MASTURBATE! 

Reason: You’re in a work setting, and you haven’t asked for permission to masturbate. Even though you’re having a tough day other people share the workspace with you. They may not want to see you masturbate. 

Remember this little ditty: “Ax Before You Jax”

Scenario 2: You’ve gone back to your trailer. You want to blow off some steam. A woman carrying a nondescript item comes into your trailer needing to discuss a work related topic. In the course of conversation you broach the topic of masturbation. Is it acceptable to masturbate?

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NO! UNACCEPTABLE! DO NOT MASTURBATE!

Reason: First, unless it's specifically related to work, i.e. you’re filming a scene about masturbation for example, you should not broach the subject of masturbation.

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“But what if I ask, and she says it’s okay? Is it okay to Jax it?”

No, it’s still not okay. While you may have employed the “Ax Before You Jax” technique it still doesn’t apply in that scenario. Remember you’re in a work environment. The woman you’re interacting with might feel pressure to say yes due to career related reasons.

Bottom line is you can’t be sure, and if you want to maintain a healthy, happy, oppression free work environment it’s best to keep masturbation at home.

Possible Exception: “I’m really stressed. The only way I can unwind is through Jaxin’ it. Can I Jax in a bathroom just to relieve stress?”

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MAYBE.

Before you proceed check your environment.

Are you alone? If yes, proceed.

Is there a possibility of someone walking in on you? If yes, use caution.

Have you forced someone to come with you because you claimed it’s work related, and in order to do so you’re talking about a work related topic while you masturbate?

NO! UNACCEPTABLE! DO NOT MASTURBATE!

This also applies to phone, video conferences, FaceTime, and even e-mail communication as well.

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Off Site Work Related Events

Scenario 3: You’ve rented a hotel room for the purpose of work related official-ish business. A woman actor wants to discuss a role you might have in an upcoming film. Is it acceptable to trade masturbation participation for the role?

NO! UNACCEPTABLE! DO NOT MASTURBATE!

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Reason: Even if you have employed the “Ax Before You Jax” method this is still inappropriate behavior. The trading of paid work, even the promise of said work, for masturbation participation is particularly frowned upon, and probably illegal (legal research is still in progress. For more information refer to Guild Legal for specific inquiries). 

While the PGA (Producers Guild of America) does not wish to dictate when and where you can discuss business it is recommended it not occur in a hotel room. 

If it must take place in a hotel room it is recommended you have another, impartial observer present. If one cannot be located in a timely manner it is

HIGHLY recommended you refrain from any, and all forms of masturbation.

Scenario 4: You are out with a female companion who you do not work with. The date has been going well, and later in the evening you employ the “Ax Before You Jax” method. She says yes. Should you masturbate?

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YES! JAX AWAY!

Reason: You have asked, and gained an affirmative response. Because there are no workplace complications you have what is known as “enthusiastic consent”. (For more information on Enthusiastic Consent consult your local Feminist representative.)

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